Futile Flame Read online

  We rode together every day and then we would return to the grove. Caesare would bring ecstatic cries from me, as he loved me over and over until we were both exhausted. The afternoon would blend into evening as we lay together under the sun, our skin softly browning. My natural olive hue deepened.

  ‘It’s most unladylike,’ Guila pointed out. She sent me creams and powders one evening. ‘Perhaps you should consider wearing a veil when you are outside?’

  I looked at Guila closely, wondering if this observation meant she knew what was happening between Caesare and I. As she bowed her head back to her embroidery, I had no sense that she thought anything was amiss. I took to powdering my face, and as we made love in the grove, I encouraged Caesare to lie with me in the shade instead of the sun.

  I was a willing participant, although I was not naive enough to believe it could go on forever. Some days I thought that one day we would both tire of it. We would return to our former lives as brother and sister, as if nothing had ever happened. At other times I prayed it wouldn’t end for the love and lust were so intense I could not imagine my life without it.

  ‘We must be careful,’ he warned.

  Caesare often did not take his own advice and sometimes at dinner he gazed longingly at me. If we were in a social gathering, his eyes would follow me as I circled the room. Once or twice I thought I observed Guila looking from one to the other of us and I was afraid. I would cool my expression and still my body language, concentrating on my needlepoint, while trying to disregard Caesare’s hurt expression.

  ‘Please, Caesare, you must understand that we are at times too obvious with each other. What if we are discovered?’ I told him more than once. ‘Father would...’

  ‘It won’t happen. Why should it? We have been careful.’

  ‘Not careful enough sometimes,’ I pointed out.

  My brother chose to ignore my warnings.

  ‘Father is not suspicious. He knows you dress as a boy. He laughed about it with me last night after dinner. He likes that you are enjoying a certain freedom.’

  ‘Yes. Because he still intends to marry me to the Spaniard. Then I will have no freedom, no life of my own. I will have to appear a devoted wife.’

  ‘It will never happen. Besides, I can’t help how I look at you sometimes. I want you night and day, don’t you know that?’

  Caesare kissed my hand. He was so loving and I adored him despite the fact that I knew it was wrong. I couldn’t help myself. We were caught up in some misguided fascination, which I knew one day would come to an end. Our world would change with the forthcoming marriage and so far our father had been adamant that it would go ahead.

  ‘But, if he does marry me to this Spaniard... on the wedding night I must play the virgin in the way that you taught me.’ I giggled stroking my nail down his bare chest. ‘I’ll be all coy and scared and tremble.’

  ‘No. I couldn’t bear it,’ Caesare gasped, sitting beside me on my bed. ‘I could never allow another man to touch you, to have you. You’re mine, Luci. You belong to me and no other can have you.’

  He kissed me and a shiver ran down my spine as though some evil omen or curse had been spoken. He held me to him, as though he could mould me to him forever. I pushed him away.

  ‘Ouch. Please Caesare, not so rough! We must be realistic. You’re my brother and the scandal would kill Father. He’s determined. The wedding will happen next month.’

  ‘Then let’s leave.’

  I stared at him, uncertain as to his meaning and proclamation.

  ‘Leave? And go where?’

  ‘I have been saving money, we could go anywhere, Luci. We could live as man and wife, change our names. Who would know?’

  I sat up, swinging my bare legs over the edge of the bed. Caesare could be so naive and childlike sometimes. It was hard to believe he was the elder of us. I knew Father could and would find us anywhere in Rome, anywhere in Italy. He was the Pope. His power stretched over most of the world. I stepped naked from our bed and reached for a robe.

  ‘Oh no!’ Caesare gasped suddenly and I spun to look at him.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Your belly. Oh my God. I’ve been so foolish.’

  I glanced down at my slightly swollen stomach, uncomprehending. I had thought little of the minor weight gain and the discomfort of sickness in the morning. I had put it down to nerves.

  ‘I think you’re with child.’

  Chapter 9 – Lucrezia’s Story

  Scandal

  At first I was afraid and hurt that he might use my possible pregnancy as a reason for abandoning me. After all he said he loved me, and that we should run away together. However, he’d lied. Following that night, Caesare’s fear kept him from my bed and my company for more than a week. He became listless, locking himself away in his quarters. I was told that he also sent the servants away when they offered him food. It had never occurred to me that my brother was weak in any sense. His behaviour was a huge disappointment. I waited anxiously for news every day, even put a letter under his door in an attempt to encourage him to talk to me.

  The household buzzed with fears that my brother was ill, and my worried pallor became noticeable. Rumours of fever and plague spread amongst the servants; rumours that Father could not allow to continue. So, one morning, he sent for a physician to examine Caesare.

  ‘He has a fever,’ the doctor told Father, ‘and he seems to be in a severe state of agitation. The fever itself seems minor. He must be encouraged to eat and drink again if he is to recover quickly.’

  ‘Did he express why he was distressed?’ Father asked.

  ‘No.’

  ‘I will have to go and speak with him myself then. Look in on my daughter,’ Father requested. ‘She’s not herself either; her pallor is a great cause for concern to us all.’

  I refused to let him examine me. ‘My brother is sick. Father has plans for my wedding shortly. Of course I feel worried!’ I snapped.

  The doctor put my nerves down to ‘virginal anxiety’ and suggested that the wedding be postponed, at least until Caesare recovered from his illness. So Caesare had gained some respite for us. His fever was genuine and I began to grow more and more concerned about his health and his state of mind. His avoidance of me continued and, much to my horror, I realised one morning that his suspicions were true. I really was pregnant and I would have to face this alone.

  I spent sleepless nights tossing and turning and worrying what could happen. I was certain that my father would send me away. Maybe I would be publicly shamed. Caesare would no longer protect me from my father, how could he? He would probably deny any involvement. If I were to accuse my own brother it would only be worse for me. For what kind of sick mind would devise a lie of incest?

  Tortured, I stopped eating. Maybe if I died it would be the best thing for everyone. No matter how hard my handmaid tried, she could not get me to eat or drink.

  A few days into my enforced starvation, Caesare came to me. It was in the middle of the night. I was feverish, dehydrated, and I thought I was hallucinating.

  I dreamt of a corridor of many doors, all made of different materials and every one I tried was locked. Before me shone a bright entrance that bulged and bowed as if an immense weight were pushing against it from inside.

  ‘I thought I could stay away, deny everything,’ he said. ‘But I can’t be without you, Luci.’

  He climbed into my bed and began to stroke my weak body, while I lay under him, unresponsive. I felt him harden, his touch became more insistent, but I turned away from him.

  ‘What is it? What’s wrong with you?’

  I didn’t answer and he sat up, reaching for a pitcher of water, he poured a glass and forced it to my lips.

  ‘Stupid girl. What have you done to yourself?’

  I croaked, spitting the water back out. ‘It’s better for everyone this way.’

  ‘Not better for me.’

  ‘You went away, you let me down.’

  Caesare pushed t
he glass to my lips once more and I swallowed, choking on the liquid. My body was so parched, it responded involuntarily and I gulped down large amounts before he stopped me.

  ‘Slowly.’

  He lay beside me, holding me. Occasionally sitting up to bring me more water.

  ‘I did have a minor ailment. But I wanted to think about things. Make plans,’ he told me.

  ‘Plans?’ I turned to face him again. Hope blossomed in my chest, pushing away the fear and loneliness of the previous weeks. Caesare would run away with me, as he had promised. That had to be the only solution open to us now.

  ‘Yes. I have been to see an apothecary. He’s making a potion that will help you abort. Our problem is solved, Luci.’

  My limbs became paralysed. I lay stiff and afraid as Caesare explained the effects of the potion. I felt sick.

  ‘And then we can carry on as before. Of course you may be sick for a while. But that will only help our plans with postponing the wedding...’

  ‘Get out,’ I said pushing him away. ‘Get out and never come near me again.’

  ‘Luci. Be sensible. You know this can be the only resolution.’

  ‘You said you loved me. You said you wanted to run away with me, how can this have changed things?’

  ‘Luci, we don’t want a baby right now. How can we possibly? But later, when we can leave, when we can pretend to be man and wife, then it may be possible. Don’t you see your

  confinement will be a hindrance to our plans?’

  I closed my eyes. I wanted to sleep and never wake.

  ‘I hate you. Go away.’

  He wouldn’t leave.

  Not until his lust was satisfied.

  He forced himself on me, rutting like an animal, knowing he could pour his seed inside me now without further consequence.

  He stayed there for most of the night, taking me over and over as I remained limp and unresponsive beneath him.

  In the morning I lay listless but could no longer resist the food or water offered. With the realisation that I wanted to spare the child inside me, my sense of survival prevailed. Caesare’s suggestion that we murder the baby had the opposite effect. I wanted my sin to be born into the world for all to see. I wanted the world to recognise that I was a whore. Only a whore would lay with her own brother.

  I quickly recovered. Father and the servants soon forgot that Caesare and I had been sick. Life returned to normal. Except, I now locked my door at night. Every morning a new letter would be pushed under my door.

  Luci, please. I do love you. I can’t live without you.

  Caesare of course was mortified by my rejection, but the more I ignored his notes, the more threatening they became.

  You’re a fool. Soon the world will recognise you for a whore. How stupid, when I could have helped you. Let me back in tonight and we will say no more about it. Otherwise, I will renounce you!

  I avoided being alone with him at every opportunity, but sometimes he contrived to catch me unawares and it was during these moments that his anger flared the most. Even then I didn’t know how terrible his rage could be.

  ‘What do you think you’re doing? The longer we leave this the harder on you it will be. Take the potion, Luci. Don’t you realise how dangerous this could be if the pregnancy continues? Someone will surely notice.’

  We were at a small gathering and I had gone outside to get some fresh air. It was mid-afternoon in May; the day was warm but not too hot. The garden of our host was beautifully

  maintained. I wandered among the flower-lined paths, looking only for some peace. It was easy to deny my circumstances in the light of day with natural beauty to distract me.

  ‘Go to hell, brother dear,’ I replied. ‘I will not take the life of my child, no matter what it costs me.’

  ‘Bitch. You endanger us both,’ he cried grabbing my arm and spinning me around to look at him.

  ‘Why are you so afraid? It is me that will bring shame on the family, not you. And Father will just send me away when he realises. At least then I will not have to wed the Spaniard. More importantly I will not have to see you again.’

  I pulled my arm free, and rubbed the skin, feeling the start of bruising.

  ‘You’re naive to believe that all Father will do is send you away. He’s the Pope, and you, his daughter, will be named as a whore. I’ll tell him.’

  ‘You’ll tell him what? That you raped me in his library?’

  ‘You wanted it.’

  My stomach churned as I looked into his bloodshot eyes. He’d been drinking since I had rejected him. There was a darkness surrounding him. A cold, selfish glow that made me feel afraid and again that shiver ran up my spine. He looked feverish, obsessed and furious.

  At that moment a group of girls my age left the house. Their excited chatter reached us. Caesare’s eyes released me from their hypnotic hold to glance quickly in their direction. It gave me the opportunity to turn and walked away from him towards the small group.

  ‘Lucrezia, join us,’ shouted my friend, Alcia. ‘Oh, and why don’t you bring your most handsome and charming brother with you?’

  I felt Caesare turn to follow, my shoulders stiffened. Alcia was always flirtatious with Caesare. He had often laughed at her interest and I wondered now what he would do. I could still feel his anger as he caught up with my fast steps across the lawn, grabbing my elbow, swinging me around once more.

  ‘Unlock your door to me again,’ he said. ‘I can’t bear it. I want you.’

  I stared at him. ‘Leave me alone, Caesare. We both knew it was a sin and now we are being punished. I am no longer your whore.’

  I pulled free of him and left, hurrying towards the girls confidently. Although I didn’t look back, I knew that Caesare turned on his heel and strode away in the opposite direction.

  ‘Whatever is the matter with Caesare?’ asked Alcia.

  ‘Oh, we had a fight. He annoys me, he’s so bossy.’

  ‘I have the same problem with my brother,’ Alcia replied.

  Chapter 10 – Lucrezia’s Story

  Confinement

  It wasn’t long before Father discovered my secret.

  Guila knew of course. She had suspected all along that Caesare and I were experimenting with each other. Our sudden rift was a sure sign to her that things had progressed further than they should. It was Guila who came for me, her eyes grave as she led me from my room that morning to my father’s study.

  ‘It seems I have been too lapse in my duties as a father,’ he said.

  I found it impossible to look at him. Father was still in his papal robes. He had just delivered a special mass.

  My cheeks flushed with guilt. Caesare stood beside me, head downcast, but I didn’t look at him. I felt him swaying slightly beside me as I trembled and shied away from the accusing gaze of our father.

  ‘You were seen together,’ Father continued. ‘Fortunately by a loyal servant. Hence I have been able to avoid scandal.’

  ‘Seen?’ I asked my voice quivering.

  Father glared at me. ‘I should have named you Eve.’

  So I was to be blamed. I was the temptress who led Caesare astray. I was the whore. I waited for his condemnation. Maybe we would be publicly renounced, flogged or, if Father felt strongly enough, even executed. Caesare remained as silent as I. How could we deny the truth? I felt such rage that he would stand there and let me take all of the blame. How could I possibly expect anything more from him? When it came down to it he was just as afraid of father as I was.

  ‘I thought at first it was nothing, that Caesare would tire of his little game with you and you would have gained some experience to take into your marriage, Luci. But it seems things have gone too far.’

  I felt his eyes bore into my belly. It was clear to me that Caesare had confessed to Father, had told him everything, throwing himself at his mercy in a bid to receive lesser punishment. I could not decide whether this final betrayal was vindictive because I had refused to let him return to my bed.
His anger had been so intense the last time we met. He had threatened to tell Father I was pregnant, had threatened to tell him I was a whore, unless I let him in. I opened my mouth to speak, to tell Father that Caesare had raped me. He would not make me take all the blame.

  I glanced at my brother and saw the bruises. Blood seeping from his lips and around his mouth, spilled over his once crisp white shirt. He swayed on his feet. He looked hurt, frail and weak. I realised then that he hadn’t told on me; the truth had been beaten from him.

  My emotions were in turmoil. I felt pain for him, fear for myself. I was unable to speak, for what defence could I offer? I was a whore; I had committed incest with my brother. The church would condemn us. The very least we could expect was exile and it was unlikely that that would be our only lot.

  Father turned to me, his eyes furious. As he stepped forward, his arm raised to strike me, both Guila and Caesare moved in front of me.

  ‘Don’t hurt her. It was me! All of it my fault, Father. I told you! She was too innocent to understand what was happening,’ Caesare begged. ‘Please, she’s with child. Don’t hurt her. Punish me.’

  Caesare threw himself down before our father, who stopped, shocked by the ferocity of his defence of me. His eyes skipped from Caesare to me. Guila held my shaking body against her, her eyes pleading with Father. At that moment she was more a mother to me than she had ever been.